Attire for church this morning and bigger fish to fry...

In high school and part of college, I babysat for an Italian Catholic family that lived one street over from our family in Granger, IN. One day, Eileen commented about folks dressing inappropriately for mass by wearing secular t-shirts with blatantly self destructive or other messages that were offensive. This morning, I felt guilty for not dressing up, but I was not feeling good-at all. After mass, I volunteered which accounted for part of my decision to dress casually in Frisco mom attire. While I am highly functional in pain, today was especially bad.

On a daily basis, I look for silver linings as my life has changed due to a "powder puff football injury while trying to throw a Hail Mary". I will not get specific, but my challenges have pushed me to actively monitor my thought processes and push toward positive. As I had years of chronic illness and chronic pain before this, this round is much different. It is sharp, burns, and cuts like a Swiss Army knife. Pinched nerves are not a joke. My 4/10 is other people's 10/10.

Periodically, for most of my life, I've been physically active. In my 20s, I ran and walked a lot. My 30's were ravaged by an autoimmune disease and all of the facets that go with it. Today, I looked at my quads and realized some serious gratitude. My legs make up for strength I do not have in other areas of my body. They're my powerhouse.

My 40th year has been full of unexpected surprises, learning experiences, tests of character, and willpower. I have earned 40. Along with (now pre-existing from powder puff) nerve and muscular skeletal issues, The autoimmune disease apparently went into remission, but I face the big T fatty C.

Unfortunately, I have had scary events that have caused me to have to solicit help first responders-on more than one occasion. I believe I have a metric of fifteen, year-to-date. My gratitude is unparalleled. It is sad as I watch public respect of first responders diminish into oblivion. A lot of that opinion is formed by the actions of tragic events and massively terrible judgement calls. Fortunately, I have not had any of this happen. I know, without any shadow of doubt that had I looked differently than I do, rather, came from a different demographic, the first responders here would treat me with the same respect that they do now.

Along with first responders and awesome quadriceps, I am extremely grateful for a decision I came to 14 years ago, but am completing now. I am grateful for a Saint Mary's education (Notre Dame, not Cali) and my classmates who keep me in their prayers. My parents and brothers have tripped over themselves to call and help me navigate the unexpected. Probably, my gratitude feels very full toward the members of my parish. I started going in March, tithe, etc. Hugs are a huge pain relief. I am so glad I do not have to face this set of challenges cast on the marginalized outskirts of a community, in absolute poverty, groveling, and uncomfortable in every way imaginable fatigued with mono and threatened by vague expectations that I cannot meet.

While things continue to rear as an advanced set of "adulting 504", I will humbly admit the Jesus has answered every single one of my prayers, and even soothed unspoken utterances of grief. Because of intercession by others, I live in a safe place, have lots genuine friends, and am able to stand on my own two feet.

Eventually, the hurricane will subside and wash out to sea with the rubble and destruction. Until that time, I have found forgiveness and peace for most things, not just because I deserve it-rather for the reasons my savior would want. I owe my brilliant mother for coaching me through that.  Unlike some, I do not and will never wait to find happiness.

Love really is everything as is integrity.