Weekends and the events therein are my owned property. I went to early morning mass as I do not have predictable schedules, habits, etc. I roll with whatever feels good at the time. Usually, I'm an afternoon kinda gal. Particularly, I prefer Spanish Mass as it gives me an opportunity to understand the real struggle of learning and understanding a second language.
Today, mass was so quiet. I wondered why it was so pin-drop quiet. Did someone well known in the community pass away, or were people tired? Additionally, I saw a priest I'd never seen before. Father Paul is much different than Father Rudy in his vocal and written delivery of Mass. Both are authentic, which I appreciate. Church is extremely important to me now as I've figured out a good fit and feel blessed. I attend church to remind me that Jesus is the reason for every season in my life-good, bad or so-so.
Father Paul began his homily talking about how Peter was afraid, even "chicken". In my brain, I was fearing some sort of pep talk on fear. The "chicken" accusation took me back, a little. (Father, um, Peter is the patron saint, the one you meet at the gates?!?!) As the homily commenced, Fr. Paul remarked that Peter was afraid to do many things for the early Christian church. I am paraphrasing Fr. Paul's words by writing that feared his own life being taken, he feared unpredictable consequences of many sorts as a result of his ministry.
I'm thinking in the fourth row from the very back, "Where is this going? Why did I wake up early, and caffeinate for this? Got the facts, now how does this apply to any of us mere mortal worshippers?"
As the homily unfolded, I got my answer as to the purpose of his speech. Fr. Paul progressed and noted that we are all afraid. I may have actually rolled my eyes-which is rude, but I couldn't help myself. How could I possibly relate to Peter's anxieties? I don't consider myself worthy of personally associating with my Savior, let alone would I ever be chosen to walk with him. (I am far too secular and ridiculous to walk with Jesus.) As of late, I've been in a state of 'suck it up buttercup' mentality, along with actively framing events and thinking and hoping positively, but not to the point of ignoring facts as they happened.
As Fr. Paul mentioned his specific fears and anxiety, I could finally relate and the homily message ringed cogently. The fears he mentioned, were anxiety, particularly from ministering to the sick in the hospital. In his words, "I never knew what I was going to see on the other side of the door."
On the other side of my door, a side few saw with the exceptions of (Nathan, Hillary, Cristie, or Brian). A few weeks ago, I had Kidney Stones for the first time in my life. They could not have come at a worse time, as I was eagerly preparing for a new career and zen focused on pulling off a successful job. It felt surreal to drive to the nearest ER with something not feeling quite right. The pain level increased from a 7/10 to a 13/10 within 32 minutes. I have an unusually high threshold for pain as I had migraines for years. My boot camp with migraines prepared me for other challenges.
Since that week, I have diligently drank 32-64 ounces of water to help flush out everything. To be transparent, I was mortified and disappointed. My health was doing so well. I have learned to be a strategic, self-disciplined fighter. My autoimmune numbers had dramatically dropped after six and one half years of that battle.
Platitudes might make a sufferer of pain or illness feel better in the short-term, but they don't solve the problems, inspire others to consistent kind words or acts, or cure a disease . Over years of experimentation, deferring to other people, and reading a lot of hyperlinks, I discovered what works for me. I take magnesium and a food based supplement vitamin every day. Gluten-free or dairy-free did not help my particular case. Also, I eat raw fruit vegetables for micronutrient value.
Chronic illness is a tough test of will and mind until you find your magic mix of consistent remedies. My survival depends on actively seeking help until you get answers and effective treatment. I'm glad I chose to stick around and fight. I have a lot of good things going for me. I literally know I can survive and thrive through anything.
I think I got "the stones" from an overdose from both, Vitamin C and Vitamin D3. Hindsight is interpretive, valuable data, a learning experience. It's been over 5 weeks and they have not returned. Every time I get sick, I fear chronic illness-the kind that no one sees. The good days and the bad days, staring at four walls in isolation, broken friendships, low energy, weight gain of 80-90 lbs (twice-in five years), etc. I will fight strategically, from ever having to go through that again. (Thousands of dollars were spent on all facets of my health to make everything right, again and establish a semblance of normalcy.)
From "the stones" experience, I gave myself some credit for listening to my own biofeedback and taking full accountability to pursue a solution. I am responsible, for how I handle every single challenge.
I felt like I was specifically supposed to hear Fr. Paul's message today, despite my eyeball roll and my pre-judged notions of his message. It's not a fun self-discipline to drink a ton of water on a schedule. I should drink it in the morning to help detox my system. Truth be told, I feel like a walking aquarium. It has gotten easier over the past few weeks with drinking water. I chose to conquer my fear with solutions and ask for help when I need it.
Instead of approaching health issues with devastation, self-attributed personal failure, and crippling fear, I will enjoy the challenge and learn from them. I am lucky to have a renewed faith and super nice people in my life. Pain of any sort is awful, especially the kind that only a lab test can reveal. (In irony, I pre-judged an excellent homily for a poor one. It's my secular habit that should change.)
(Pictured below are: a Texas Sunrise, my buddy and our nicknames on a chai, a clear sunny Texas day, my greased up face and hair on a recommended therapy walk and obligatory selfie for forensic evidence.)
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